Let’s be clear from the start: I’ve spent more time debating this subject than anyone else on the planet. If you don’t believe me, go ahead and take a look. Sadly, this type of steadfast dedication might soon crown me time-wasted-debating-irrelevant-hypothetical-volley-ideas king. And yet, here I am again.

That being said, why is a legitimate line of beach volleyball apparel so important to me? Simple: it represents the best way of establishing our very own consumer merchandise industry. And that, my friends, is exactly what we’re missing: a clothing line synonymous with and unique to the sport of beach volleyball.

Today I’m only going to focus on one particular article of clothing: men’s shorts. Sorry ladies, I mean no disrespect. Your time will come. I’ll happily discuss miniature bathing suits and Brazilian-cut bikinis down the road, but frankly, right now, I don’t know a thing about them, and all of my research has been sucked up by the vacuum that is the current men’s “boardshort” dilemma.

During the first week of December I began a widespread pitch for the return of the elastic waistband. It involved enthusiastically asking every player I ran into what he thought of finally competing on the sand in something other than the traditional binding boardshort. I even inquired with the last living soul to have proudly worn elastic-waisted shorts on the AVP Tour, Todd Rogers. Okay, not true. Plenty of former beach stars still have a pulse and at one time or another donned neon nylon with waist lines proudly tagged, “One Size Fits All.” But Todd is the last one on the “still active” list, and his retort clearly demonstrates knowledge of the fact.

“I'm in [on the elastic waist] for sure, being the ancient dinosaur that I am,” Rogers sarcastically responded before officially calling me out. “Because let’s be frank, that is why you’re asking me. I am the highest-ranked old fogey you could find who, as pictures will attest, wore ‘volleyshorts’ way back in the day.” He’s more right than he knows.

By “volleyshorts,” Todd’s referring to swimming trunks sported frequently at rec center community lap pools prior to 1997: elastic waistband, baggy nylon material, fluorescent print. Yep, he wore ’em. In fact, his favorite pair was made by Mossimo, but was the less-noticeable color of white. He wasn’t the only one. Anybody who loved Miller Lite and a little volley on the sand (accompanied by “Queen of the Beach” bikini contests, of course) also appreciated shorts fueled by comfort vs. aesthetics.…

They may not be Mossimo, but for sure Todd wore them. And no, they're not skorts.

Until three weeks ago, I was still embracing the delusional mind set that elastic was the only direction official beach volleyball shorts could go. I researched every brand that ever produced a line featuring an elastomer as its primary waistband support agent: Spot Sport, Club, Sideout, Redsand, VB Rags, Primitive Prints, Ocean Pacific, Jams, Fila, Speedo, Quiksilver…the list, and investigation time required to uncover why each of them disappeared off the radar, was endless. But I was still adamant about bringing them back.

Thankfully, my stretchy sales pitch ran out of gas on the sidewalk in front of “Memphis,” a restaurant in downtown Manhattan Beach, as doubts flooded my mind like the tsunami in “2012”: Will Rosie wear elastic? Am I setting the volleyball apparel industry back another decade with my outlandish idea to reignite fashions that had their time and experienced a brutal, destructive death back in 1997? Will my peers ever speak to me again if I force them to buy in on shorts with a “coolness” factor equivalent to a sleeve-less jean vest?

No, yes, and no. Result: puffy, elastic, beach volleyshorts cannot, at all cost, escape from the endangered fashions list. I refuse to go down in history as the man who perpetuated beach volleyball’s consumer merchandise downfall.

So where does that leave me? Back on the street corner in Manhattan, speaking to former Peanut Butter & Jelly Time teammate Aaron Wachtfogel on the phone, brainstorming. Followed by lunch the ensuing day with Kinda Good’s front man, Dan Madden, brainstorming. And just moments ago, polishing off a phone conversation with Superman himself, Sean Rosenthal, brainstorming.

Consensus: a “cool,” moisture-wicking, breathable, performance-based short built specifically for beach volleyball players, by beach volleyball players, is essential if we want any shot at creating a dent in the billion-dollar surf industry.

Wachtfogel even took it to the next level and signed on to become my official short reporter. After testing three unique styles of shorts, he essentially produced the specs for our final prototype.

Listen, here’s the skinny. Kids lucky enough to witness Rosie bounce a ball out of the troposphere off the deep sands of Manhattan Beach want to look like Rosie. Beach volleyball is no different than any other sport. Aspiration is fueled by inspiration; what inspires youths these days? Feats of athleticism seemingly impossible by mere mortal man. Case in point: 

Or, if you prefer to take this train to Vegas:

Rightfully so, every child who has ever seen Sean Rosenthal play wants to be him. They want to jump 40 inches, dive over a banner, dig a ball with one hand and pike on the transition set with their left just as hard as their right. They want to represent the United States in the Olympics and, most importantly, they want to wear what he’s wearing.

Wachtfogel said it best during a conversation with David Swatik: “I never wanted to be a pro beach volleyball player because Brent Frohoff was; I wanted to be Brent Frohoff.”

And that is why Aaron saved his monthly allowance as a kid to purchase Frohoff’s signature Spot Sport volleyshorts. There’s no reason children growing up today shouldn’t have the same opportunity. Only now, Aaron Wachtfogel’s signature shorts should be available for purchase—which, if he had his way, would resemble a pair of jorts.

Lost? Not sure what a jort is and don’t have the patience to launch a new window asking Jeeves? Or the patience to reroute through Bing once you realize Jeeves died in 2006? Well, jorts are a pair of shorts made of denim. Yes, denim. Jean shorts, my friends. Usually cut-offs. And more often than not, an authentic pair of men’s jorts in the closet means the owner has yet to speak with a girl. Or likes Nascar. Only Aaron’s particular pair would be light, water-repellent and somehow miraculously “cool,” most likely because his would be worn with never-ending satirical allegiance, and the hope of an appearance on “Colbert” following his first victory at Manhattan Beach.

Breathable, moisture-wicking, 85 percent polyester jorts, that is.

And thus begins the most aggressive legislative apparel campaign in our sport’s history. Yes, I’ve finally reached the point of this whole argument. I would like to formally announce the unveiling of a new AVP, volleyball-specific, high-performance short to be worn by all 32 main draw players on the AVP Tour in 2011.

Check back Tuesday to find out what it’s going to take to get it done.